5 Thing I've Learned From a Toxic 5 Year Relationship

 In the lengthy lead up to the posting of my semester 2 results on my masters degree, it suddenly hit me that this exact time last year I was also awaiting results, results for my overall degree classification for my undergraduate and that at the time I was living on my ex-boyfriend's dairy farm. I genuinely could not believe it has almost been an entire year since I ended things with my partner of 5 years and moved out to sleep in my parents dining room and have zero personal space. This is the boy I had moved in with, survived years of long distance with and who my mother thought I was going to marry. This is the boy I didn't realise was gaslighting me. 

Our relationship began rocky with him almost breaking up with me just a fortnight in because I had gotten too drunk at a party he refused to attend and held me responsible for. I was barely 16 and it was Halloween, there were many drunk teenagers about that night, most of whom made it out unscathed where their partners were concerned. I remember one boy slinging his girlfriend over his shoulder after they had been drinking together and running around with her, them both in hysterics. For years I was made to feel like that was a silly, unattainable thing to want and I had to be above that. What should have been an insignificant night that crosses my mind maybe twice a decade turned into me being manipulated into two years of sobriety and months of being held accountable, I had to always admit I was the reckless one, I was incapable of looking after myself, I wasn't as smart as he was and that I was the fuck up in the relationship. 

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all like this. They never are. Like any relationship, we had our honeymoon periods where he would agree to hold my hand in public and watch something I wanted to watch or even take me on a date, provided I had asked a respectable number of times for months beforehand. The bar was very low but to be fair, my two partners before this did both cheat and almost cheat on me. We'll call it unlucky in love. 

Luckily for me, my home life wasn't the most fantastic either which had left me feeling incredibly motivated so whilst living in his house during the first lockdown I began taking courses online, applying to masters degree, reading my way through every book I could get my hands on, taught myself how to cook and bake vegan alternatives for desserts, I worked out what I liked and what I didn't, I got myself a spot of the Publishing society's committee and I packed my bags, unsure if I could pay rent and make it through the course of my masters and set off for Oxford with nothing but my best friend and sweet, desperate hope. 

In short: It's been the single most incredible year of my life. 

And so in my own miniscule corner of the internet, I wanted to share with anyone who may read this 5 things I have learned since leaving my relationship. 

1) My own damn self worth, bitch.  

By eons, the most significant thing I have learned is my own freakin self worth. I used to have what was almost a crippling anxiety disorder and if you mix that with being bullied and a few other personal aspects then you are a magnet for negative, self-destructive patterns of thought. Thankfully, my counsellor had been working on realigning how I view myself for a solid year and a bit before the break up and all of a sudden, like a second puberty, I began to really like who I am and see value in myself which is something I always figured is acceptable for other people but would remain a concept that is alien to me. I remember constantly feeling like I would be and should be worth less than literally every other human on the planet and would take my 'rightful' spot at the back of rooms, wear dark clothes, plate up less food for myself and insist I wasn't hungry. Now, I walk into a room and dominate if I feel like it. I wear what I want, say what I want (no boyfriend there to filter me) and tell myself I'm a bad bitch because frankly, with the help of me, myself and about a thousand streams of Lizzo, I've discovered that I am in fact THAT bitch. 

My ex would hate to hear me say that but you know what, to him I say 'what time is you next CSGO game? must have a lot of time for shooting people on a computer screen being unemployed'.  

2) Turns out, I AM capable of having friends. 

Before this year I had just a small handful of friends and if i'm being honest, almost half of them (2 people) I knew through my ex because they were a part of his friend group at school. I was conditioned to think (not from my ex but others close to me) that were so many things to dislike about me. I was told I'm nasty, I'm spoiled, I'm bossy, I'm hard work, way too opinionated, nobody would ever like me and primarily that I'm just an all round bitch (hey mum).  

All that I've changed is caring and guess what? since I've done that I have made a whole bunch of friends. I walk into my kitchen and my friends are there screaming Dua Lipa songs asking me to join, I have a lot of messages and calls from people every day, I have friends in Germany, Luxembourg, France, The States et cetera. My social calendar has never been so full and since I've stopped having a boyfriend throwing a strop about going for the first time in 6 months to friends, guilt tripping me into staying in to watch him play computer games, I have been able to get way closer to my friends. My friends are like family and have shown me what unconditional love is like, what fun is like and how to act my own damn age and not carry myself around like I'm 25 years older than I actually am. They love me and I love them. I'd take free accommodation and a girls weekend in Paris over waiting for a boy to wake up any day. 

And speaking of friends it was a friend who caught me completely off guard immediately post break-up and left me speechless (the only time this has happened in my life) when she told me she thought I was extremely brave for having the courage and the strength to walk away from someone I had spent five years with and essentially grew up with. Before that, despite a couple of people's best efforts, I had never considered myself to be a brave person. 

3) I LIKE being alone. 

Not to sound cynical but I feel like it's sort of an inevitable right of passage for a woman to suddenly resent all men and not what a single dude to ever touch her again. I definitely send and receive texts from my single and 'legally single' (you know who you are) friends getting frustrated at the most minor things about men such as the inconvenience their emotions cause us but obviously men and men's mental health are just as important as women, its simply a way for us to let off steam with each other. 

Like most things, you can compare being single to an ocean. Waves come which immerse you fully into the 'I am so independent, I don't care if I don't date for like 10 years, I've got plenty of my own shit' mentality but then they will inevitably pass and you'll surprise yourself seeing a Tik Tok of Normal People or Ginny and Georgia and be all like 'I wouldn't mind being little spoon for a night'. 

Ultimately though, even though I have dated and seen other people in varying capacities, I doubt I will be in a relationship for quite some time. After being a girlfriend for half a decade, it would be nice to just be me for a while. 

4)  No matter how much you care and cry over it, you can't change someone.

When I could feel myself changing, in terms of my self esteem beginning to grow, I had so much hope that this was a natural part of becoming an adult and that he would soon go through it too and be a 2.0 version of himself. I really thought if he could be just a little better, a little nicer to me then we could easily do another 5 years, maybe ten, maybe even stay together for the rest of our lives. I was so excited by the prospect of him being becoming literally a different person so that's when I was finally like okay wow, I can't stay hiding on the top floor of his house watching Hamilton over and over, I need to actually exit this situation. 

My best friend told me in one of our texting marathons that if he hasn't proved he's capable of change after literally half a decade then whats makes me think he is ever going to be? 

It was that moment where I was like yep, i'm really walking away from this. 

5) It's okay to be high maintenance....when it comes to relationships. 

I want to preface this by saying, I'm NOT encouraging toxic behaviour. What I mean is that it's okay to have rules and expectations you require a partner to meet no matter how fussy you may think you are being because if someone is the right person for you they won't see you as high maintenance, they will simply see you as worth it. If you're an introvert and need a few nights away from him or her a week then they should respect that and let you take the time you need without guilt tripping you or making you feel like you are being a bad partner to them. We have requirements for employment opportunities, for products we buy, for how our friends treat us, even for films we watch so why would it not be okay to set some standards when it comes to relationships? 

I still have a lot to learn about love but I hope one day, when I am ready, I will re-read this blog post and think 'yeah, I've met the person who thinks i'm worth it and he's incredible'. 

I hope that for you too.